I like the way the sunlight spills over the keyboard this morning, the way it wraps my fingers in light, it’s warmth coaxing the words from my fingers.
Words that have been difficult to find seem to flow a little easier, a little more honestly, when the keys are cloaked in light.
I like to think that the light is Jesus stretched out over the letters, filtering the pages in my mind, transforming my thoughts into His thoughts, as each word hits the screen.
It’s kind of like losing pieces of myself every time I sit down to write.
Maybe that’s the whole point.
I don’t really know.
But what I do know is that for months, I’ve been wrestling with words and how they fit into the context of my life.
How does this blog fit?
What is my voice and where is this blog going and does it have to go somewhere?
How much is too much and what should I do about the whole comment thing? (The comment thing feels weird to me, in case you were wondering. I don’t like it, but I do like hearing from you. All of it just seems altogether awkward.)
How do I keep being small when everything around me screams get bigger and better and more hip, cool, and relevant?
How do I keep being faithful to Jesus and honest with you and careful with my people?
How do I tell our story without making much of me?
How do I bend low and give this space to Jesus every single day and can I be okay with what He decides to do with it?
What is He asks me to stop all of this?
I wrap my hands around my mug of coffee and I lose time staring out into my small world.
Our lazy street is waking up and the sun is hiding behind the big oak in our yard, it’s light now filtered through the leaves.
The kids eat bowls of Froot Loops and Mini Wheats and I miss my girls more today than yesterday.
The hourglass is marking time and none of it is mine.
These kids with their bowls of cereal, the house with the big windows that let the light in, the man who seeds grass and watches for rain, the church we keeping serving, the blog I keep writing…none of it mine.
I remember words I read once and I grab pen and paper and I scratch them out:
…The upside down kingdom is not about you and glory – but about sacrifice and come lay down and die.
Because the only platform we as Christians can mount is an altar where we lie down as a sacrifice.