Sometimes when I circle up with the ladies and we eat carbs and drink caffeine I wonder who I’m fooling.
I open my mouth and speak from story instead of book and verse.
I ask questions of the heart and not questions of the head and sometimes I wonder why I keep up this song and dance in front of these ladies I am digging in deep to love.
Night falls dark and heavy and the last of the ladies leave with their books and Bibles tucked in front of them and I fall into my own space of quiet, tucking their words into my heart and mind and whispering my own shortcomings to the heavens.
Lord, you have to be enough for them because I got nothing but my story and some patched together Bible truths.
I spend hours in the bleachers of the ball field and it’s a sea of faces against chain link and to some it looks like a mission field, but to me it seems like mission impossible.
I smile and pass out peanuts to my people and I beg Jesus to not make me engage one more person or answer one more question about our non- Baptist church. People come and go every single week and some weeks the loss is more than the growth and only a person without a heart would say that this revolving door doesn’t hurt.
Because it does.
And more than I like to admit.
I’m not a church grower.
Or even a church planter.
I’m just me.
And I’m not enough.
Maybe this is just part of being made small.
Maybe it’s understanding that there is no part of me that can do any part of this.
Maybe it’s about letting God be God and allowing me to just be me.
Tozer says it like this, As God is exalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once.
And y’all, I’ve got a thousand problems.
The chief one being my view of myself.
So, yeah, I’ll keep being made small because I don’t care much for the bigger version of myself.
And the world certainly doesn’t need more of me.
Go ahead and say it.
Thank you, Jesus.