I see spring ball games and bonfires in the backyard and church fellowships and weeks of landscaping and it’s easy to lose the Lord in the living. We are settling into a rhythm of life and I’m not sure I’m bent to settle.
There is something quite unsettling about settling.
Sometimes when the babies nap and the older kids are scooted out to play, I stand in our front room, by the windows and watch them.
Today is one of those days.
I focus in on the patchy grass and the broken pavement and every body that walks, center-aisle, down our street. I watch mamas with their babies in tow and the teenage boys dribbling basketballs and I wonder about my pale-skinned children hanging from the tree in the front lawn.
Is this small life enough?
What are we doing here?
I watch my bean pole of a daughter roller skate down the uneven sidewalk, her long limbs and narrow face not giving her age away. I can’t imagine sending her to junior high next year. She still looks nine and in my heart she is 4. She’ll ride the bus since my house teems with children before 7am each day and if I’m honest, I’m scared. I’m afraid of sending her out into the world and I’m even more afraid of keeping her at home.
Thoughts run wild and fear chokes the life right out of me and I wonder how it is to really trust the Lord in all things.
I’m unsettled. Desperate. Bent.
I rest my head on the window to feel the sun on my skin and a smile plays on my lips.
And I see the Lord…
For when I’m desperate, I have nowhere to bend but towards Him.