Dark o’clock kind of early.
The wintry mix that we had crossed our fingers for is just rain. Sloppy, cold rain.
Maybe God really did bring us here to kill us, I think to myself.
I cover my face with the sheets and Thad rolls out of bed to check on the road conditions for the guys at the company.
It’s 4:43 and I can hear him tapping keys to send email and I know he may be thinking the same thing that I am, the thing about God bringing us here to die.
We celebrated his birthday last night, his 36th. I baked a cake and we all blessed the man of the house and the kids licked their plates clean. The rowdy crowd scattered as soon as the last crumb was gone and I waited for the birthday boy to gather his thoughts.
We run through our days like this and so I just sat there, at the table with my face in my hands, waiting.
For the second day in a row, he runs a stream of words and I just listen.
“I have no confidence,” he says. “No confidence in anything. I don’t know how to do this. Any of it.”
I listen and then he says something that I’ve never heard him say before. It rattles me.
“I’m losing confidence in God,” he says. “No, not really. I mean, I’ve just got no confidence.”
But he’s said it and I heard it and it hangs there in the dining room like a big ugly secret that we’ve both been keeping.
I sit back in my chair and we both know what he said is true. It is the big ugly secret we both hide in our hearts and having him say it aloud makes it real.
We look at each other from across the table and really, what else is there to say?
This morning, I hide under the covers and he keeps tapping keys, but I watch him.
I wonder if he is losing all hope, if he’s just going through the motions of life without really living. I know his plans of soul care have literally just been rained on and that his trip to Mt. Medoc will not be happening his afternoon.
He gets up from the computer and his stride speaks to his wrestling with God. He’s limping, just like Jacob.
I just don’t think he’s seen the face of God yet.
So dear friends, I ask you this: Would you take a moment and hush? Would you pray for this husband of mine? Would you pray that he would see the Lord in a mighty way, that he would trust the Lord to do what He said He would do and then walk like it? I’d much appreciate it.