In 36 hours, I will be on a plane headed to the place I call home. Every hour, between then and now, is ordered. Planned out. Orchestrated.
I kinda like that last word, orchestrated. It gives the illusion that I have it all together.
I’ve spent a year in yoga pants and one pair of shoes and I’ve forgotten how to dress like someone who has somewhere to go.
When everything you do happens in your home, you forget that other people go out. They put on heels and lipstick.
Truth be told, I haven’t bought a new tube of lipstick in over a year. I have forgotten my favorite brand and color.
I even fought the urge to buy a Christmas sweater last month.
Just kidding. But the metallic thread in a pretty red turtleneck did turn my head. Only for a moment. One good, long moment.
It’s hard to pack a suitcase full of worn jeans and scuffed shoes and walk back into a part of the world where people wear couture.
I now wear JC Penney and carry a recycled, burlap coffee bean bag for a purse.
There are no other words.
I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last year and I think I’ve padded myself in extra weight to cushion the blow of how ugly my soul really is. It’s ugly y’all.
The washer and dryer run on, continuously, and I iron the Preacher Boy’s shirts and I wonder how we’ll feel when our plane lands at DFW.
I think of Starbucks and good Mexican food and resting with folks who know all about my ugly soul and love me in spite of it.
I think of the Concourse at Fellowship and the smell of coffee and the roar of children at Noah’s Park. I see Maria and Mel and Juan and Sam and I hear fluent Spanish and I hear myself respond with my own broken Spanish and I miss it.
I really miss it.
I’ve thought a lot about Dallas, more about Fellowship, and even more about the timing of this visit.
God knows my heart. He sees my soul. He loves me.
I find it no coincidence that the moment I begin to lay down roots here, the Lord sees fit to send me back to the place I call home.
I’m pretty sure that by next Monday, I’ll realize that Dallas is no longer my home. Even now, tears well up and run down these tired and puffy cheeks.
God is good and He knows.
He just knows.
And He is so GOOD.