The house is not quite awake and yet my soul is wide awake with feelings I can’t put words to.
We sat in the family room last night and I threw angry words at him. I cast blame on him for robbing me of the life that I wanted.
I clenched my jaw and spoke words through my teeth and tried really hard to make all of them sink into his skull.
I tried really hard.
I made coffee and stood in the door of the kitchen and yelled to him that he better fix this.
I slammed the cabinet doors and angrily sloshed coffee all over the counter. For good measure, I yelled that he couldn’t tell me how to feel or what to do or what I should have done.
I’m feeling downcast this morning. Out of sorts. Kinda exposed in all the wrong places. Middle-aged.
I’m afraid we’ve made a mistake and screwed up our one little life.
I’ve spent time this week really missing home and wondering what in the world we are doing with the last half of this life. I feel the hourglass sifting our sand crazy fast.
I’m at the place in my story where my yesterday still feels like yesterday, literally.
And the place I am today is feeling like a big, fat mess.
Picking up this story of grace means that I have to tread into rivers of coffee and Mother of Preschoolers. My heart hurts.
I joined MOPS and we both joined a small group right away. I went to play groups and sat around many a table trying to find my place.
I plugged right in and for the first time in my married life, I had friends within a church that were really my friends because I was just Lori, and not Thad’s wife. And I loved it.
We stumbled through our first year of seminary and while I found my place, Thad worked and went to class. He napped and we tried to hold our family together on the weekends. miraculously, we became pregnant with Isaac.
God moved and Thad’s day job became his only job and he too, began to find his place at Fellowship.
Within a year, God moved again, and Thad was offered the job as the Children’s Pastor at Fellowship. ( And I got to still be me and keep my friends!)
Life was crazy and full of grace and for the first time in a long time, I felt my cup begin to run over.
I was in love.
And that is why waking up here, in the middle of this big, fat mess, is so heartbreaking.
So if you get chance today, please whisper a prayer for me. For Thad. For our mess of a ministry here.