It’s getting late, but I do my best thinking when it’s dark out.
For two weeks now, I’ve been heart deep in looking backwards.
It’s good to look back. But tonight, I am emotionally raw and undone. So much digging around in one’s heart can unearth all kinds of stuff that would rather be left buried.
Leaving it buried seems easier. Less painful. Surely, I can be whole without reliving all the stuff that made me, me.
I am feeling quite boxed in, in this place that grew me up and sent me out.
Like I was sent out, never to come back again because I never quite fit in the first place.
It makes me sad and weepy and longing to escape. The closeness of all things familiar is making it hard for me to remember who I am.
Who God says I am.
And I need to remember. I need to know, deep down in my bones, who I am and Who I belong to.
I am finding it necessary to spend the next 40 days in quiet reflection and prayer and a lot of listening. Beginning October 1, I am going to try and journal 31 days of Grace. I will blog everyday as I look back and pour out what the Lord brings to my mind and how I see His hand in each moment. Please extend grace through this process. So many of you bless me with encouraging words and I read them all, but during this next chapter in my story, I may not respond to each of you. I am going to make an effort to journal each day and log off.
I will also begin a social media fast starting tomorrow, that will continue through the month of October. I really need to unplug and look inward and that’s going to be a hard thing for me. Social media has been my lifeline for this past year and that’s part of my problem. I am so consumed with what I used to have, that I can’t dig my feet in here.
I want to thank you for being a part of my faith community. You give me space to feel good in my own skin and you let me be me-whoever that girl is. Thank you for loving me through all of this journey.