It startles me.
The truth. The ugly truth.
But here it is. On the tip of my tongue, just waiting for me to give it voice. So I will lay it out there and ask for grace as I work through it.
I want to quit.
I want to be normal. I want to have a husband who works a regular job, and sits with me at church each Sunday. I want to go to the beach for the whole weekend and not worry about who is going to cover the bases of a church service. I want to go to a bible study, alone, and have no one look to me to have any answers. I want to drink coffee that someone else brewed. I want to drop my kids off in their classrooms and serve 2 Sundays a year. I would love to go on a women’s retreat with people who know me and love me anyway.
I just want to quit.
I want a small life where I can love my neighbors, quietly. I want to eat lunch out with like-minded women and laugh and cry and just be me. I want my weekends to be times of rest and sleeping in and enjoying life.
I want to just want to be me and enjoy my small life and this small town without always having to think about doing the next thing.
I am tired of doing. I just want to be.
Life is short and I am getting older and time is spinning out of control. And I am just tired. My body is screaming at me: stop, rest.
So the burning question this morning, is this: How do I let the Lord turn this ugly truth into something beautiful?