Somewhere along the way, I have unclenched the other fist.
While one hand has been open wide, trying to receive the gift of this new life , the other one has been hiding out in my pocket, holding onto precious things that I have not been willing to let go. Funny thing is, with one hand open wide and the other clenched into a ball, I haven’t been able to really embrace anything. I just didn’t realize this until today.
From the window, I saw the mailman pull up in front of our house and I went out to meet him. Before I could get to the door, it swung open. The younger three ran into the house with the stack of catalogs and junk mail. “You got a letter, Mama. Are you gonna cry when you read it?”, Isaac asked.
I gathered the pile and the kids ran back out, without waiting for my answer. I recognized the handwriting and the address. Richardson, Texas. A letter from home. A gift in my crazy day. I set it aside to read later and readied snack.
I melted the butter and sugar and quickly added the good stuff, peanut butter and the cocoa. My hands were flying over the stove as I dumped spoonful after spoonful of chocolate onto baking sheets. I stuck the baking sheets in the fridge to speed up the hardening process and poured glasses of milk.
“Snack time!” I yelled. I only had to call them once and they all came running. Even the neighbors.
I passed out the chocolate and oatmeal no-bake cookies ( or cow paddies, as we like to call them!) and glasses of milk. Happy kids around a plate of chocolate can always buy me a little time and I wanted time to sit and pour over every word in my letter.
As the kids licked the chocolate from their fingers, I sat down with my glass of diet coke and opened the envelope. I savored every word, rereading a few lines and smiling with familiarity. Friendship is a gift.
Timely encouragement for my wandering heart…but no tears. Not today. My heart just melted into a joyful puddle.
And that’s when it dawned on me: I have let go.
My heart is no longer breaking for what used to be. It is savoring the gifts of yesterday and swelling with love for what still is.
All is a gift and all is grace. I am so blessed and God is so faithful.