I am up early, trying to catch the first rays of sunlight.
The coffee is brewing and the children are still dreaming upstairs in their beds. Four of those children are piled into one bed, snuggling close. The other two are in their own beds, and probably sleeping the most comfortably.
Tiptoing down the stairs, I am eager to pour coffee and drink a full, hot cup before the crazy of my day begins. I have a lot on my mind and I know that I won’t have time to really let my mind process the thoughts running through my head when those many feet hit the floor.
Questions weigh heavy and beg for answers : How does one know, and know for sure, that the stirring in their spirit is from the Lord? And what if that stirring brings forth uncertainty, fear, even doubt?
I know that the Lord is not the giver of fear and doubt and uncertainty, but I find myself engulfed in these feelings as my soul is stirring.
I open my bible and pray for the Lord to highlight the truth I need to calm the stirring. Fingers turning pages, I find truth, but I realize I want more than truth.
I want the end of the story.
I want to know for sure that this stirring is for my good, and for His glory. I want to know for sure that the fear and doubt and uncertainty that fill me this morning will subside as the road ahead of me becomes clearer and less winding.
I want to know that we didn’t make a mistake.
As my coffee cools and I get up to fix a second cup, I think back to months of prayer and journaling and wrestling with the Lord. Those hard days of heart-wrentching decision making that came with the first soul stirring.
The sun is pouring in across the floor and it is hot to my bare feet.
There is movement upstairs and I hear small feet as they creep into the quiet of my morning.
And for a moment, I remember…I am loved. I am loved. I am loved.
As the children gather in my quiet space, I begin this day with truth: He loves me.
That’s it. He loves me and everything is covered by His grace.
I may never know the end of the story this side of heaven, but that’s OK.
It’s always in the soul’s stirring that I am driven back to the One who loves me… this woman who is so prone to wander.